Unsettled

For many reasons my mind is very unsettled tonight. I have been doing so much planing, working, and finding of things that right now things are just unsettled in my life. I feel more grounded and happier with my life than I have in a long time, but I have a longing a need for something/someone.

In my life I have had many good even great friends. However, lately I have been feeling the need compare every guy I meet to my best guy friend. I look at how they treat me, how they act, treat other, and well just their ambitions in life. In the end I am realizing that no one can measure up to this friend.

It also does not help I am realizing how much I love my friend. What is strange is that I am afraid to love him. Yes I know I am totally breaking the friend rule by letting myself fall in love with him. However, I think I have been in love with him for almost 3 years. Seeing as for the past 3 years I have been battling my self-image this is not a strange concept. I have always said he deserves the best, and well I am no perfect person. I have many faults and done many things in my life that I have been ashamed of. In some way I think I have decided that I am/was not good enough for him. My life has changed since I meet him. I am a better, healthier, more grounded person. Maybe I could be good enough now.

All this to say he and I are talked me and I am confused. Recently he started signing his letter Love. Instead of some other form of ending. I guess what I am asking myself is do I open up? Do I let myself begin to love again in a way that I have not loved in a long time? Is getting hurt worth the risk and worry I will go through?

This Ones for The Girls

I am so loving my youth girls. We have been having a blast doing a study called Be A Queen... Not a Princess... the crown is bigger! Over the past two weeks there have been a lot of times that opening up has happened. It seems that this small group process is making all of us see the best in each other. Although we are only 4 session in we have been doing the study for a month and a half, had to skip times for band concerts and Mardi Graz.

Last Friday night we got together and watched One Night with The King, talked about how awesome strong women are, and about guys. We had crazy amounts of sugar, pop, and laughs.

This week we talked about rule and laws that set boundaries for us. It was fun to hear about rules and laws the girls thought were good and bad. I have to say things are so different from even 10 years ago when I was 16. Ahhh!!

So I have only a few more weeks before the study is over. It makes me sad, but at the same time I am looking forward to keeping these relationship up and starting the study for the guys. I cannot wait to hear their thoughts and feelings about life as men of God.

No longer my problem

As a youth minister I have figured out that I get blamed for things I have no control over. Hahah. This Sunday was the beginning of a new time in my youth ministry. I have been waiting for two months for the Youth Program Committee to come together and this past Sunday was the retreat to kick things off. Yes on a Sunday. I have no clue what anyone was thinking when they planed it. However, I feel I have a great group of people working with me now. The best part is I no longer have two hour meetings every Monday night!! OK so more about the retreat. We went to this beautiful B&B on the river. It was so beautiful. I am thinking about renting it out for the girls retreat this summer. The back porch lover looks the river and there is a beautiful gazebo and swing. The day before there was a wedding so there were still flowers and petals everywhere. The youth and I had a blast on the swing. the food was amazing and everyone seemed to enjoy the day. By the end of the retreat everyone had decided that I was not to take blame for things going on. So it is no longer my problem! I cannot wait to see how long that will last.



So after the retreat was over we drove back home around 3 pm. I got home around 4pm and had to be at the church at 5pm. I know crazy but they did not want me to cancel Youth for the night. I felt so tired and was glad that one of the moms suggested it be a movie night, since four of the youth and I had been at the retreat all day.

Goodbye Lynn

Today My parents called from North Carolina to tell me Lynn was not doing well. She still was not acting like herself and they thought she was suffering. I am writing this post as a way to say goodbye.

My Sweet Lynn,

I cannot say how sorry I am I was not able to be with you today. To hold you and make sure you made it safely to the rainbow bridge. I cannot stop thinking about the day I saw you at the Pet Smart in Atlanta and heard your story. How all at once I knew that you belonged with me and how your foster mom knew it as well. The two years since that day have been nothing by happy when you were by my side. The way we found an understanding of one another was wonderful. I got to watch you turn from a skinny sick dog into a beautiful healthy one. The love and trust we had for each other grew each and everyday. I know you had a hard life, but I am glad that I was able to give you two good and wonderful loving years. The smile that was captured in this photo of you, only shows how truly happy your life was once we were together. My little dog, My girl, I am going to miss you and I will always love you. I know someday we will see each other again as I walk across that rainbow bridge and you come running through the fields to jump into my arms. I love you so much Lynn.

Retreat, Lynn, and Life

I don't think this weekend could have been any nicer and yet it was very sad for me. I finally got to really do something spiritually for myself. I decided to go on the UMW retreat this past weekend and did not have to work at it. I loved just being with the other women singing, praying, talking, and playing games. The speaker was not very good, but everything else was wonderful. I had a roommate that liked to talk a lot (she keep me up till 3 am the first night). The last morning of the retreat my friend and co-worker Rhonda looked at me and said she did not think she had seen me look like this since I moved to Lake Jackson. I was completely relaxed and comfortable. I have not had a lot of chances to really breath since moving and well it felt good to know everything was in God's hands this weekend.

However, the weekend was also hard for me. Two years ago I decided to adopt a dog from a rescue group to be a friend for my dog Morgen. Lynn has been a light in my life ever since I laid my eyes on that sweet mutt dog. She was a dog that was brought from NOLA after Katrina. They had gotten her a home fast and had not realized she never got spade. Ha ha she came back with 8 puppies a year later. I adopted her before she could get put to sleep. We had almost two beautiful years together before I had to move to Texas, and she could not come because they thought she had cancer. On Thursday Lynn got sick. Really sick. They did some tests and one of her kidneys has failed and the other is failing. She also has multiple tumors (they think they are cancer). As the weekend went on she got sicker, and they don't think she has much longer. I feel like I have abandoned my child in her time of need.

Other than these things life is going well. I am working hard, and trying my best. I finally found a place for a Spring Camp for the Youth. I also am working on finding more time in my day for me. As for lent, I have given up fast food and having soda in my house. I cannot wait to see how this lent thing turns out this year.