The New Light of Christmas

This year Christmas was a very strange time for me. I usually have a list of things to tell family and friends what I want when they ask me. This year I just could not bring myself to tell anyone my list before Christmas. It contains two things 1) Getting a full time job 2) Being with my family for Christmas. Well needless to say I got gift number one the week before Christmas! I started work the Monday before Christmas for MRC (Medical Research Consultants). I am a full time temp for one month and then they are hiring me full time. It is very different from what I thought I would be doing, but I like the work. Now as for gift number 2. I was not able to go back to NC for Christmas. However, I did spend the evening with two of my friends, talked with my parents, brother, grandfather, and my cousin Annette. It ended up being a wonderful Christmas.

Christmas Eve was very strange and hard for me though. I thought about not going to church because I knew it would be full of families, people would look at me strange and I would more than likely cry. Well two of those were true. It was full of families and I did cry, but no one looked at me strange. At first I was sitting in a pew all by myself and think about my family, yes this caused crying. The next thing I knew this huge and I mean huge family piled into the pew with me. The oldest teenage son sat next to me. At first I could tell he was uncomfortable sitting next to a young woman who was tearing up a little, but turned and said Merry Christmas. I smiled and said it back. It was at this point that I looked down the row at the family and realized that I kind of fit in. It was funny. They were all either brown or blond hair and I kind of looked his mom. The kid and I both laughed a little as I think we realized this at the same time. Then I began to think as a the service started that I was with family. I was with all my church family, people who share my faith and love of Christ because who else would show up at 11pm for a church service. As the service ended I looked and the teenager and smiled this big smile. He smiled back and said goodnight. It was wonderful.

What a Year!

Life never happens as we plan it. Just a year ago I was posting about my interview in Texas and getting what I thought was a job that was going to lead me to my dreams. A year has past and a lot has happened. I am no longer at that job. My dreams while they still play on my heartstrings are changing as am I.

A year ago I was taking my last exam of Seminary. Telling everyone good bye and making plans with my family for a long journey that would bring me to Texas. I left behind my family, my friends and my dog (Lynn). I set out for my journey to begin in Texas.

Where is my journey now? Well parts of it have ended and new parts begun. I am no longer officially in ministry as a career, yet I minister every day. I minister to my roommate, my friends, fellow e&a members, my co-workers, my church singles group and just people I run into and smile at. When people ask me what my old job was I get odd looks now. Many people cannot believe that a person that can hang out and be cool would ever be a minister. When people give me odd looks I just smile and say they may want to check out church again sometime. I have a new job at MRC (medical research consultants). I plan to keep my spirit going there. I am also hoping to teach in middle school sometime in the near future. I have a great new set of friends who have become my family here in Texas. I think the biggest change though it that I love Texas!

My calling and my dream of being a minister are still there. I just have come to the realization that right now is not the right time for me. There is still a lot for me to learn and I need to grow spiritually some more. What that means for me right now is forgiveness, acceptance, and learning to trust again. My plan for that is continue to go to church at Tallowood. I trust that someday when God lets me know I am ready I will have their support to go into hospital chaplaincy. Until then I will continue to minister in my own way everyday.

Exhaustion

As I sit here after three crazy days of working I wonder if I will make it through the rest of the week. To start off with I do have to say I had a great Sunday off from all forms of work and enjoyed resting and studying. However, I have worked as a Substitute teacher three days this week. I have worked one 7:30-11:30 shift at Bath and Body Works. Which let me tell you getting home at 11:45 to be up by 6am does not work well with me. I have to relax before I can sleep so it was at latest 2 am when I feel asleep. I work again tomorrow at Bath and Body Works as well as host a Karaoke Night for Events and Adventures. Then Friday I work at 9:45 am at Bath and Body Works. I truly love all the jobs I am doing, but can I just have a day to sleep. Three part time jobs is killing me. I don't know how people have a life of doing this type of thing. I REALLY need to find a stable full time job soon.

Not Quite the Same

As I am starting to feel Christmas and Advent in the air I am realizing it is just not the same this year. Yes the radio stations are playing the music, the stores are all decked out, streets have lights, Santa is in the mall, and the Advent wreath is at the front of the Sanctuary at church, but something is just not right.

That sometime is within me. On Black Friday while I was at work I received a phone call from my mom. When I got off I returned the call to hear here crying. The guys (my Dad and Brother) had left her alone with the Christmas decorations. The tree, the nativity, the ornaments, and her Christmas village were all there for her to put up with no help. As I listened to her I could feel her pain. This is OUR time and it always has been. My mother and I were always the ones to bug my dad and brother to go to the basement and bring up all the boxes. Then we would turn on Christmas music, which drove the guys crazy, and decorate everything. This included me hiding the wise men until after Christmas most years. However, this year it is not OUR time. It is just another reminder that I am far away and cannot be home this Christmas.

Ever since the phone call I just don't feel right. I don't feel Christmas and Advent, I feel hurt. Yet, I still feel love and know it will all be ok.

So I leave you all with this:

I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love

Even more than I usually do

and although I know its a long way back

I promise you

I'll be home for Christmas

You can Count on Me

Please have snow and mistletoe

and present under the tree

Christmas Eve will find me

Where the love light gleams

I'll be home for Christmas

If only in my dreams, if only in my dreams

Evils of Black Friday

Long Lines, Finding a Parking Spot, Working with Black Friday Shoppers (they are crazy and sometimes down right rude), Having Large boxes of fragrances fall on your foot (bruised/broken toes), Not knowing exactly how to keep you manager happy when you are doing your best.

Need I say More????

Not Quite the Same

I have been living out what I have dubbed since moving to Texas as "The Dreaded Week." What that means is having my 27th Birthday and Thanksgiving without my family and Candler Friends. However, it is not turning out to be so bad. Last Friday night 25 of my new Events and Adventures friends took me out for dinner at Cafe Adobe (amazing Mexican). We sat around laughing, talking, and just having a good time. I had some drinks, great food, and wore a balloon teria. It was crazy. After dinner me and a few of my friends went out dancing. It was fun, but I am not a big fan of the club we went to.

Now I just have to make it through the next day without breaking down. Thanksgiving has always been a really big day for my family. We get up and have waffles as we watch the parades, cook all day long, watch football, and then have a late dinner. This year is going to be a little strange for me since it is my first away from my family and our routine. This year I still want to get up early and watch the parade and will make pancakes. I will go over to my best friend Xeania's house to enjoy a mid-day Mexican Thanksgiving meal. Then tomorrow night I will host a Thanksgiving dinner at the Hilton Post Oak in a dinning room over looking all the Christmas lights in the Galleria square. I am looking forward to this change, but missing my family something awful.

Wonderful World of Retail Part II

The demonstration is a big selling point at Bath and Body Works. Studies have shown that they more we give demonstrations the better our sales are. I did not totally believe this until about a week ago.

I have been working cash register since I start at Bath and Body Works about a month ago. Last Wednesday I was pulled off register and asked to work area 1 (the front of the store). That means I had to give demonstrations of our new "Twilight Woods" fragrance. If you have not smelled it yet, you should. It is kind of different. As I went about handing out coupons and giving demonstrations I became more aware of just how imports demonstrations are to stores and to Christians.

The more knowledge I showed about the Bath and Body Works products the more people bought. I brought our conversion rate from 40 to 75 % that night (conversion is the amount of people that enter the store compared to the amount of people that buy). So I started thinking if more Christians would just demonstrate Christ in their lives we would have a lot more Christians. People would be asking questions and getting the answers they needed if we all knew more about our faith. I am not talking about denominational crap, but real facts about what Jesus taught, Paul and the Apostles taught, and how God's grace is really strong enough for all (sorry about the grace reference I am still a little Methodist in my theology). If we all knew more than we could better demonstrate what a real Christian is supposed to be.

Finally Feels Like Fall

The past few weeks we have had Fall weather on several days. This made me so happy. However, the feeling of Autumn did not come for me until this past week. My friends Exenia and Nubia decided that we needed to go costume shopping to get me out of my little Fall rut. The day was wonderful. We went to many different stores and they were so wonderful. Each of us tried on costume after costume laughing and giggling about how we looked. I had not done anything like that since high school. The last store we went to is where I found my costume. I did not want to try it on and was getting tired of all the shopping ( I dislike shopping very much). However, Xenia made me try the pirate wench costume on and I loved it. It made me feel like Autumn. I think it looked amazing on me, as did the many people on Halloween at the events and adventures party. Everyone talked about how happy have been seeming lately and how I have lost weight. The highlight of the night was seeing the look on my friend Gary's face as he saw me the first time on Halloween night (Gary is next to me in the picture). He is a really good guy and good friend. Seeing him look at me the way I looked at myself that night was wonderful. In some ways it made me think of how God sees me. It was just this look saying; Rachel you have always been Beautiful to me, but now you are seeing it and acting like it yourself and that makes you radiant.

Stay or Go

As of this morning I was informed that if I do not have a teaching job or full-time job by January I am expected to go home. I have no clue what this means for me, as my mother was in a rush and visiting my Aunt Carrol. So I guess I have a few choices to make in the next two months. So do I keep going as long and as hard as I can, or do I just give up? What happens to all I have here in Texas? How can I start a support system of friends back in NC before I get there so that I don't go crazy?

Fear of Failure

Over the past two months I have been looking for jobs. I look online, go to job ministries, and even have networked with friends and Emory alumni. The problem is I cannot find a job. I have passed my teachers test, I have been applying like a crazy woman, and all I have to show for my efforts is a part time job at Bath and Body Works.

It is in the past day or two that I have come to a very revealing realization. I am afraid to get a new job. I am afraid I will fail again. Failure is something I don't see as being an options, so therefore in my subconscious I have been not wanting call backs, not wanting people to even look at my application and resume, not wanting to job.

I have one question now

What is wrong with me?

The Wonderful World of Retail: Part I

So I have a feeling that this is going to only Part I of what is to come of my blogs in the next few weeks.

As a college, and theology school graduate I have found out what every person wanting to help others should do at some point; Work in Retail. Although, like myself, you might have to sit through hours of boring training videos, which I must say was worse than any class at Candler, you will see how you can really help others. You put a smile on your face, act at all times like your happy to be their, and most important put customers first.

Lesson I of working retail:

There is no right way to tell a person you can only use one promotional coupon per transaction. Most people want to get what they want and for the right price. The more you can discount what they want the more they like you. In Ministry terms, The more appealing you can make Jesus look the more people will want to have a relationship with Jesus. If you tell someone they can only use one coupon per transaction they usually get mad at you and if they don't get mad they might ask if you can do two separate transactions. Ministry terms: If you tell someone Jesus is the only way to heaven they might get mad, however if you explain God's grace in the right way one can see that sometimes we can mess up and come back to Christ.

Good news all around

I am having a great week. Maybe the best since I lost my job in July.

On Monday I signed on to the TExES teaching test site to find that my score for my Language Arts and Reading Grades 4-8 was finally posted. I freaked out I got 256 out of 300 and only needed 240 to pass!!! I then called the A+ Teaching program, where I am getting my Alternative Certificate, and got my acceptance letter into the program. I am now 100 % eligible to teach middle and junior high language arts. I have now applied in two school districts for three open positions.

Tuesday I went on an interview for a part-time weekend position at Bath and Body Works. I was one of the only people there dressed like I was going to an interview. I gave great answers to the group interview questions and I felt good about getting the job. Within an hour of my interview I got a phone call from my old co-worker Tammy that the manager had called her and asked for a reference! OK so now for the best part. I got a phone call yesterday that I have gotten the job and start THIS Sunday! I know that means missing one Sunday of church, but they promised not to schedule me until after 2 pm from now on.

Last night I meet with Karl Broom from Chapelwood UMC in Houston, Yes there are two chapelwoods in the same conference. We have been working on my resume and finished last night. It looks great and sounds even better. So for now my prayer is that with all the hard work we did that I will get a full time position as a teacher, councilor, or at a non-profit.

Bluegrass in Autumn

Blue Ridge Mountains in North Carolina

As person who has always loved the seasons, all four of them, I have begun to realize how much I loved Autumn. I grew up for most of my life in the North East either in Danvers, MA or Horseheads, NY. These are two place where Autumn is huge. The trees become these majestic colors, the wind blows cooler, and you start feeling like the harvest is all around you. Everyone starts to pull out their winter clothing and you start to see people with long sleve shirts, sweetters, and coats. You may even get to see a little snow starting in October.

My family then moved to Apex, NC when I was 13. I still got some of the parts of Autumn I loved: trees changing colors, seeing people dressed more warmly, and the wind did blow a little cooler (just not a cool as in the North East). The harvest part was not really there though. Even in a small town and going to a church that had a harvest festival it was not the same. No one was supprized when I decided to go to the NC mountians for college. The colors on the trees were vibrent and majestic like those of the North East, the tempture and winds were cooler, people really did bring out their winter cloths, and the harvest was very special in Mars Hill. Western NC had come very special tradations of harvest festivals, hymn singings, and bluegrass festivals in Autimn. I came to love bluegrass while I was there. It reminded me that Fall really had come. The the leaves would change, the days would grow shorter and cooler, and that soon I would be celebrating Thanksgiving and the birth of Jesus Christ with my family and friends.

After college I made sure to make a trip to the mountains of NC or GA while I was at Candler. I made sure to do things that reminded me of the beauty of Autumn, like going to see Nickle Creek with Steven and Stacy. This year is different though. I have no colorful mountains to go to, the weather is still in the mid to high 80's, people are wearing summer cloths still, and it does not feel like harvest. So last night I pulled up bluegrass music, Allison Krause and Nickle Creek, and spent time just listening to what feels like Autumn to me. I just hope that through this Texas Autumn I will find ways to remember what comes next and what has always been the most important to me; Giving thanks with my friends and family and in a few months celebrating the birth of my lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

What has your heart??

My friend and interim singles minister at Tallowood, Michelle, sent me and the other members of the singles minister this question last night. The strange thing was I had been thinking about this very questions that whole day.

What has my heart? Where is my heart guiding me? What makes my heart feel full and happy?


Over the past two weeks I have become involved in two job ministries in the Houston area. One is called Between Job Ministries (BJM) and is a network to help us find jobs and support while people are between jobs. The other is JET ministry. The JET ministry does have one support group that starts tomorrow, but I am using them for resume services and well just job counseling. This brings me to my question What has my heart?

In the last two months I have been applying to any and every job I even have the smallest qualifications for. It is only now that I am realizing that just any job will not lead to happiness in my life. I want to help others. My passion is counseling people through different parts of their lives. In order to be truly happy I know that I must be in a position where I am helping others. My heart is with people who are down on their luck, abused, trying to find themselves, and just people who need someone to listen.

Yesterday I had two meetings that helped me figure this out. One was a counseling session at BJM with Gail, an encourager. Gail and I talked over what was going on and where I could be happy with a job. We talked about teaching, ministry, counseling, and social work. He gave me a few numbers to call and try to make contacts. The second meeting was last night with Karl, from JET. Karl is helping me revamp my resume into a functional/chronological resume. The ones I have now is just chronological and kind of boring. It does not high light my gifts and talents. Karl and I spent two hours talking over where I want and need to go from here. Where is my heart at? was the big question of the night. Now I have figured out that my hear is in counseling people. This for me could be as a hospital chaplain, pastoral councilor, teacher, councilor, advocate at a non-profit, or a social worker.

Now I just have to convince someone that I do have the gifts I have and trust in God that person will give me a job or pass me on to someone who will.

Single Again

So this weekend was a bunch of really had stuff. Friday I saw a post about Chapelwood's add for a new youth leader. I wanted to puck, laugh, and cry. It was not a very truthful add about the church and it made me quite sad.

Saturday I spent the day studying and then had a double date with my roommate Erin her fiance Matt and Skyler. After that Skyler and I took off to do a few things he needed to do and then planed on heading back to his place to watch a move. We did make it back to his place, but never watched the movie. We talked and he told me that he is not sure he can be with me because he is not over his ex. I got upset and cried. Then we just spent the night in each others arms. Yesterday we decided that right now he needs us to just be friends. So I am single again.

Sad and Happy times

Over the past week I have been kind of going through some changes. I found out that I had hurt my ankle worse than I had thought. I thought sprained but it was torn ligament. NO FUN. I got to talk with my pastor about my past and what my spiritual life is like right now. The result of this was figuring out that I still need to work some on forgiving everything that has happened in the past few months.

Ok so here is the happy news. I had a long conversation with my friend Skyler on Friday night and we decided to date. We spent the weekend talking more and today I helped him move into a new apartment. I could not lift much because of my ankle, but we had a good time. In helping with the move I meet his best friends, dad, brother, and mom. It was an interesting day.

Another goodbye

So my mom called today at 7:30am to tell me that Bear (Barrette) had died. She was in the shower and saw him walk out of her bed room, then heard a loud thump, and my grandfather yelled for her. She raced to get cloths on and my brother even broke the rules and ran out of his room to get to Bear (Dave has H1N1). They checked for a heart beat and there was none. Bear is now at NC State veterinary school for an autopsy.

The strange thing about all of this is I have know something bad was coming. Over the past week I have just not felt myself. This weekend I started having dreams where Bear would come and talk to me. He wanted me back in NC. Now I know why I had this dream.

Bear was almost 10 years old. He was the second litter of pupps my family ever had. I remember holding him when he was a new born and talking to him about how he was our little Barrette. Over the year he became so loving and strong. Being only truly happy when everyone was home, which was not often since I was in college and seminary. He was truly a very very special dog.

Back to the Beginning

This past week has been full of new beginnings for me. I did not pass my teachers test by 15 points. So back to studying I go. However, I am not too upset. I talked to many of my teacher friends and they told me they did not pass the first time they took the test. I cannot retake the Social Studies test until November, so I am studying for Language Arts.

I took a big step these past two weeks. I decided after talking to my friend Thomas to go to a Baptist church here in Texas. I was convinced that I would dislike it, but I love it. The pastor is an amazing, intellectual, and spiritual person. He used Anne Lamont two weeks ago and this week used John Wesley as sermon illustrations. How odd is this???? I also have been doing things with the singles group and love being around the people at Tallowood. After thinking and praying about things I decided to ask the pastor about women and ordination. He had been informed of my situation by my new friend Michelle, a fellow seminary graduate, single woman, and head of prayer ministries. He straight out told me I will be the first woman ever ordained at Tallowood and he is looking forward to my joining.

Thus I am back to the beginning. I started my ministry in the SBC in NC and now I am thinking about going Baptist again. My problem is I still support lgbtq people and I am not sure how the church will feel about this. I am meeting with the pastor later this week to talk about my feelings.

Test Anxiety

IT'S BACK!!!!!!!

I thought this part of my life was kind of sort of over. I have a major problem which is text anxiety. I have had it since I was little. Always get so geared up before, during, and sometimes even after tests. At Candler I got advice from my councilor that I should drink a glass of wine before every test I took. This cracked me up because I had a lot of 8am tests and exams. As I laughed at my councilor He told me it was ok to drink before noon. I took his advice and did better.

So now here I am finished with my MDiv, thought I was finished with standardised tests, and now I am back at it. Taking my TExES (Texas Teachers Exam) tomorrow for Social Studies grades 4-8. I have studied my butt off for the past month. So much so that I have been randomly stating facts about Texas, US History, and Economics in conversations. So you would think I would be totally ready and ok with this test. NO I have a horrible case of test anxiety and no wine to be found. So I am sitting in my new room, after trying to sleep for a hour, writing about testing and how much I hate it. All I can say is Lord help me get some sleep tonight and get through this test tomorrow.

Life of the unemployed

As person who hates having nothing to do being unemployed is not a good thing for me. I have been spending most of my time searching any job search engine I can find for a job that I am experienced enough for. Came up with the idea that maybe I should go back to school, then decided not to. Decided to become a teacher, social studies grades 4-8, and am taking my TExES test next Tuesday for that. Have watched way too much TV and have spent many hours with two dogs, who are now very spoiled.


I have however done a few productive things. I moved to Houston. Love my new roommate Erin. I have started looking for a new church and denomination home. I have been to a different church and denomination for the past three weeks. I like Bethal UCC the best so far of all the churches (They sing communion !!!). I have discovered that I am at a place where God is trying to tell me something, but not sure what yet other than the fact that I need to be closer to God.

So where in all of this I became obsessed with the song "What do I Know of Holy"?

Unempolyment

So Life just keeps getting more interesting. I ended my time at chapelwood last Thursday. Since then I have been having a good, but strange time.

Friday I took Laurel, the girl I sponsored on Chrysalis, to Phantom of the Opera. We had such a blast. I have seen the musical three times and Laurel saw it for the first time. It was so cool being with someone who had never seen it before. It was a good production, but they left out the roses. I was kind of sad.

Saturday I went to the Chrysalis reunion with Laurel and then to the boys Chrysalis. We had a blast. I got to serve the guys at the Agape Dinner. We sang to them and served their meal it was quite fun. I then spent half the night talking with Thomas. Such a good guy.

Sunday I went out and tried a new church. It was nice but no one was talked to me at service and only two people talked to me at Sunday school. The messages were good. I went out for Brunch with friends at Rainbow Lodge. Had an amazing lodge. Went to my Friend Nici's birthday dinner. Then got in a car accident with a pot hole. Yes a pot hole. I bruised by jaw and a rib. The car is ok but I had to pay $1600 to get it fixed.

Monday I slept and rested all day. Got my car from Houston and got my pain killers. Then I started the packing and have been packing ever since. Well that is in between the sleeping and trying not to hurt my back or rib again. I have also been looking for jobs while resting. I am seriously thinking about becoming a teacher since they have a program where I can teach for 2 years while I take the classes to get certified as a teacher.

God is stronger than I am

For the past few weeks I have been holding some major pain, hurt, and scars in. These are things that I had thought I had given God, but I guess when everything started happening this month I picked them back up. Since I don't have a whole lot of friends down in Texas that are Christian that are around me enough to see what is going on with me I just kept being hurt and letting it get the best of me.


So last night I started talking to a person I met a couple months ago. Thomas has been a huge part of my life. We have a great time debating and talking about our faith. After many months of just talking online for some reason we decide to talk on the phone. As soon as we started talking things started coming out. He right away started asking me what was going on, why I seemed so guarded right now. He slowly started to get out of me the pain and hurt I have been feeling this month. As our conversation went on he pulled out his Bible and started reading me Scriptures about how God is my strength and I cannot be who God has called me to be without God's strength. We went through many different parts of the pain and hurt and prayed together that God would help me to submit and let God lead me and be my strength.


I was so amazed that everything had happened. I spent hours last night praying over giving into God and the plans that are laid out for me. Today I felt much lighter. I did not feel as much pain and hurt. I opened up my letters from my Walk to Emmaus and reminded myself how God really is my strength and my councilor. It was amazing to know I am not alone in all of this.

Last Sunday

As I walked into Church this Sunday I was greated with "you know that they have bought these amazing cakes for you." I had two cakes one pink and one purple. I kind of laughed becasue I am so not a pink person but I loved it.

My time at Chapelwood is ending tomorrow and I cannot believe it. Above is my adopted mother and I being caught talking. I am going to miss Sally. But more than that I am going to miss my crazy girls (pictured Cat and I)

NC beaches and Houston townhomes

This past week the head pastor, at the church where I am working until the end of the month, gave me some time off and told me to go home and talk things through with my family. I decided hay if I get a week off and I am going to NC I am going to the beach. So I went to NC on Wednesday.


My mom and I headed to the Writesville beach on Thursday. We had a blast just sitting on the beach and wading in the ocean. My father joined us Friday and the three of us went out for seafood, which I miss so much. Gulf Coast and East Coast seafood are very different. I like East Coast. I was just relaxing and not really focusing on everything that has happened over the past few weeks. I felt wonderful!


While I was at the beach I got a call from one of my Events and Adventures friends. She is a head hunter for a job agency. She called with an amazing job opportunity. Working as a Program Director of a community service that helps people find jobs. I sent her my resume, she sent it to the community service center and they responded within five minutes. My interview is tomorrow please pray.


So I am now back in Lake Jackson. The official email declaring that I am no longer going to working at Chapelwood was sent out to the youth. So I decided it is ok now to go look at the townhouse another person in E&A is renting a room out in. Erin and I meet tonight at her townhouse and had our little dogs meet as well. It was fun and cute and best of all we decided it would work out and I am moving in. To make things even better I called the apartment office before I went to meet her and there is a woman who wants my apartment, so I will not have to pay the rest of my lease!

Searching

So I never realized how hard it is to find jobs that a person with a masters degree would qualify for. Yes I know I have an MDiv thus I qualify for like nothing. However, I have applied to around 15 jobs in the last three days. Since Saturday I have been searching monster and career builder to find jobs that I might qualify for. I have also been searching some hospital sites and then some ministry sites. Yes I know I am really only qualified to be like Christian Ed or Youth Minister right now, I have some clue of what denomination I am changing over to, and I am so not ordained yet. To put it down job hunting is hard. Luckily my dad is helping me put together a business resume to send along with my other resume when I fly back to NC tomorrow for a short trip. I know I cannot afford it right now, but I need to talk with my family about what my next steps are going to be.

Will I ever

Tonight as I watched Army Wives I began to realize that I am going to miss ministry. As Sarah Elizabeth was dedicated I started remembering why I was called to the ministry in the first place. I was called to be someone, something good for others. Someone who would lead with love, beauty, integrity, and truth. With these attributes Sarah Elizabeth was dedicated. I began to wonder if I too could be dedicated to those things. If I could once again stand firm on my beliefs and find a way to fulfill my calling from God.

So Tonight I dedicate myself to be trying to be a better person. To be more truthful, loving, to have more integrity, to see all of God's creation as beautiful, and to hear God in all the sacredness of quiet times. This I will do whether or not I am practicing ministry.

And It is Done

As of today I am no longer a candidate for ministry in the United Methodist Church. Where will I go from here? Maybe non-prophet and be something like a director, Changing denomination is a definite but ministry (unless the church ordains by call) maybe not, hospital chaplaincy residency is still available as a option for me, and maybe back to school to get a degree in social work or some other helping field.

Now turning to an idea from Sarah. What makes me smile? Having good friends who will go out to dinner with you, find good BBQ because they know you miss it, go bowling and dancing at the same time with you, buy your alcohol because you lost your job, and then let you sleep it off on their couch. I love my Events and Adventures friends. A Special thanks to Bich, Tenisha, Amit, Terri, Carrie, David, Steve, Jose, Christina, and Jan.

Lost Job

This past Tuesday my head pastor came into my office on my request to talk about the college/high school worship service. As we talked I could tell he was very relieved that the Youth Programing Committee and I were taking action, but something seemed off. Wesley went on to tell me the SPRC and himself were looking at my job. They were 50/50 as to if they should keep me on or not. I was kind of surprised by this since I had just meet with the chair of SPRC and he said everything was going amazing. Wesley told me to start looking for another job. He said to make things easier on the youth and myself that we would make it look like I was moving on to better things. I asked why it was happening because I knew there had been a few issues, but bad enough not for this to happen. Wesley told me that the associate pastor and christian education person are asking the church to fire me. Also the church is $40,000 in debt for the year already. He did not want it to look bad on my ministry, so I needed to seek out other work.

The SPRC chair called me later in the week and said what Wesley told me was not true and they want me to stay on. The way I am seeing it is that the staff do not want me on. The SPRC wants me to stay. Most of the youth want me to stay. However, the big one is I don't think I want to stay. If I do I am afraid that I will not be given the chance to find a new job and will just be fired.

So I have started sending out application to hospitals in the Houston area. One has contacted my friend Annette, who is a chaplain at Duke, and said I will more than likely get on her staff for residency in August. Please pray for this situation and that I get a job or that things turn around at Chapelwood.

Happy 4th

So today was a good day. I was able to get up early clean a bit, bake some cookies for a party, and be out the door by 11am. I was so very excited. My friend Sally had a 4th pool party and it was a blast. The pool was warm, yet cool, and the food was great. To make it better Chris was there and actually finally acknowledged our dating relationship in public! That has taken a month for him to do. Next up getting him to hold my hand or hug me. He is not a touchy feely person like me. Now I am home showered and off to dinner and fireworks with my SPRC chair and his family. Chris said he would drive down to see the fireworks with us, but we'll see if that happens.

Lets go, lets go. L.E.T.S.G.O.

This week was VBS at chapelwood. We did the cokesubry curriculum of Camp Edge. It was a good camp other than the music being able to easily stay in your head for days. I am still breaking out in song. Ahhhhh. I had the kids that were going into first grade. I thought this would be great because I love young children around the ages of 5-7. However, I had three that had varying levels of mental handicaps, and three girls who would not stop crying and fussing. When did 6-7 year olds turn to become so spoiled and crazy.


The "Lets go" for my week did not stop there. This weekend was my first Faith In Action camp in Lake Jackson. Faith In Action is a cooperative of churches in the area that put on 4 mission/service camps a year. This was the second one, but I did not go to this first this year because of my Emmaus walk. So after VBS Friday I went home did a little bit of cleaning up, went to look at a new car, and then went to St. Timothy's Episcopal church for Faith In Action. We played games and got everyone ready for work the next day. Saturday I spent most of the day driving from work site to work site handing out ice pops, frozen grapes, frozen towels, and spraying youth and adults off with ice cold water. This was not fun for me because the guy riding around with me would not get out of my car and kept getting mad that I would take my keys with me when I got out of the car. He is this guy from my church who is 30 and autistic and has this huge crush on me. I used to think this was sweet, but it is kind of annoying after a while. Saturday night we had a fun night of more games, ice cream (that I cannot eat), and worship.


Today was church and Rock Climbing with my youth. I let myself sleep in and go to late service. However, I left late service within five mins. of getting there. A Worship service that was not supposed to be announced in church was and well things had not been changed or talked about yet. So here is the information and why I was mad about this. A college age guy at the church asked a few weeks ago if he could hold a worship service or Bible study for college age people. The staff at the church have been so excited about it. That is we were excited until last Monday. A church wide email went out from one of the members saying that it was for College age and High School students. This is bad because we have a Bible study at the same time and same day. Also since I got to Chapelwood a Youth Programing Committee (YPC) was put together to help the youth ministry at the church run better. Part of the committees job is to regulate what is taught to the youth and what type of theology. Also what is offered to the youth as a programs. The college age guy did not come to the YPC and did not even talk to the head pastor or myself about offering it to high school age youth. I went to the Pastor last week and asked him to talk to the college age guy about the service and get this fixed or at least get him to talk to the YPC about his plans before anything else was announced about the worship service. The pastor agreed to what I proposed to him, yet the service was announced just as it had been the past week without any discussion and talk to the YPC.

Luckly Rock Climbing was fun. I had a blast with the youth who went. One of my girls, Laurel, asked me to sponsor her on the Chrysilas walk in two weeks. I just hope I can help make this an amazing experiance for her.

UM ARMY and First Love

This past week was amazing. We were up in a small east Texas twon called Wells. There are around 750 residents in the town and around 240 homes. This past week we worked on 20 of those homes!! It was amazing. Although I was not working on the sites because if programing and my allergic reaction to the sun, I am so proud of my youth. I got to know many of the non-active youth at Chapelwood aswell as some amazing adults. This week is one I will never forget.

The theme for UM ARMY was First Love. It focused on how God is really everyones first love in life. God gave us all love even before we asked for it becasue God loves us just that much. I was remineded many times of the Parable of the Good Sameritan. We were looking out into this community and helping those that many people had passed over in the past. The people we did work for were some of those who had given up on faith or were not included in many of the community events. It was amazing to hear the testamonies of the clients on cliant night. They really were in need of our help. I also found help this week. I have been having a hard time at Chapelwood and finding my place. I talked with this amazing pastor, who is on the BOM for Texas Conference. He was very supportive and gave me some amazing advice.

graduation, partys, and U.M. A.R.M.Y. planning

Oh my how busy this time of year is. I think that I must always take a vacation in May since I will be going through crazy summers.

Last week I had graduation for my high school seniors. It was outside in around 85% heat at 7:30pm. I ended up hanging out with Tyler, one of my youths boyfriends. We were cheering and running from one side of the field to another to see people graduate. I left early so that I could get out of the parking lot. Let me just say my car was parked at a 65% angle and it was crazy. I was so afraid it would roll down the hill even after I put the parking break on.

Then there was the parties. I have been going to graduation parties since I got back from my graduation. I have had a blast at all of them, but I have to say the cake at the last one was too cute. They made a three tiered book cake and the bottom book said Party and Boys. The top two were better with History and Science. I laughed so hard. There was crazy dancing and music. I was welcomed to Texas country dancing and learned to two-step. It was so funny to be two-stepping with my youth. There was also Bich's birthday party this weekend. It was fun and the band was not too bad. I hated having to leave so early because of work on Sunday, but that is the life of a minister.

Now for U.M. A.R.M.Y. planning. I think I am going to go crazy. I have so much to do and so little time. I have been ordering, printing, emailing, and calling people all day long, even on my day off. I just hope that all this work makes this mission trip amazing for the youth involved.

Mental Health Days

During my time at Candler I came up with the idea that one day a semester I would allow myself to take off a day from class. This for me came because I was stress, tired, and just worn out. On these days I let myself sleep in and always did something just for me. Since I was not of those people who got divinity school paid for by scholarship or funds from the church this usually meant watching a movie I owned and taking a bubble bath.

Now that I am in my ministry position I have found that the stress is not all gone. I sometimes and just plain worn out and tired. Yesterday I went to work on my day off because I have been at annual conference all week. I ended up leaving less than four hours after I got to work because I just could not take it anymore. I got a bad look and lecture about something that I thought I was doing right. Haha I guess not. Needless to say phone calls were made while I was at conference about me to one of the other staff and she feels it is her job to not tell them to call me and talk about it, but instead to verbal attack me when I get back from conference. I left work, walked fast to my car and called my mom to cry (I never do that by the way). I told her everything and just asked for prayer.

I have realized that sometime even in ministry I need a mental health day. During those times when I am tired, worn out, and frustrated it is best for me to take a day off and just rest. I let myself sleep in late and am going to watch a movie. I made chicken lasagna with lots of vegetables and salad for lunch and dinner later today. Now I just need to get my mind in the right frame to finish this weekend and keep on going in my ministry with my church.

Prayer for Prayer

This week has been so crazy for me. I have been trying to recover from my vacation to visit my family, which needs a lot of recovery, and getting ready for Annual Conference starting tomorrow. I am going to conference as a district delegate. Since conference takes most of my work week this means I have been trying to get everything for this week and next week together. I know I am nuts!!

Now for the prayer part. If things could not get more hectic in my life time week I got a call Monday afternoon from my DS asking me to be one of the people in my district to say a prayer in front of everyone at a conference session or worship service. Me being who I am, and not knowing the word NO, said YES!!! I know Dr Wodleton asked me because he is trying to get me through my candidacy process faster and thinks the more I am seen the better it will be since I do have a few things on my file that are not flattering. Well I was told I would know by Wednesday/Thursday at the latest. Hahaha. I called Wednesday to find out what was going on and now I am having to wait until I get to conference to find out when I pray. This would be all good, but I am showing up a day late! Annual conference starts tomorrow afternoon with sign in and service of remembrance. During this time I will be leading youth group and driving to conference. I have decided to write a generic prayer, and add in when I find out what I am praying over. Please pray this works and pray that I will get a slot on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Graduation Relizations

So I have been visiting family for the past week in Atlanta and Raleigh. First the start with my graduation then off to my parents place. I loved my visit with my family, but I missed my freedom.

Now for the realizations. As I began to sit and think about my life now I began to see how different I am. As I sat and looked out at the other graduates of Candler I started to realize how changed I am. My Candler peers are all just starting their lives and careers. I have already started by life outside Candler. I have moved on. People began asking questions about my life, where I had been the past four months, and what had changed in me.

I am happier, healthier, and more connected than I ever was in my time at Candler. I have new friends, a new life, and a new outlook. Yes there is drama at the church, but I am handling it better. Yes there are time when I miss my family and friends, but I have realized they are only a phone call away. I also realize that I have new friend who I love to death. I know that I am blessed and hope that this knowledge stays with me during the hard times.

Ready for Atlanta

I am so ready to get going and head out for Atlanta on Saturday. Getting to see family and friends just has me on the edge. I want it to be Saturday now or even Monday. I am so distracted because of my excitement. Even though today is my day off I cannot get my mind off the trip east.

So I had to post this picture. It was taken at Cinco De Mayo dinner with friends. The dish I am holding was called Rachel's Spicy Tacos. We had a blast at this little Mexican place. Then we went to a place called the Chocolate Bar. No alcohol involved, but there was a lot of Chocolate. I had a piece of mint chocolate cheesecake. It almost matched how good a piece of cheesecake is at the Cheesecake Factory.

What am I like 3

So I am stuck in my apartment for the next few days. I am contagious with a double ear infection and a throat infection (not strep though). I had to go sit in urgent care because my doctor is on vacation, how wrong is that. The nurse practitioner said she never sees infections like this in adults and usually not in children above the preschool age. Then she asks where I work and if I am around children. Hahaha. The church I work at has a preschool and she told me I must have the lowest immune system like ever. I did not think this was funny. Now I am on two antibiotics (one mouth, one ear drops). I am so frustrated. Then I was told not to go to work until Friday because I am so contagious. Which is just about impossible for me since I have coronation dinner for my princess/queen class tomorrow night, Wednesday nigh Bible Study, and a youth having surgery tomorrow. I am going to go nuts!!!!

Parent Visit

This weekend has been wonderful. I got the chance on Thursday night to go to the Radio Music Theater. It was amazing and funny. The show playing was called Grandpa has not moved in 5 days. The scene with the pastor was my favorite. The guy playing the pastor spoke so fast and crazy that you could not understand a word he said. I had to wonder if that is what my youth group hears sometime when I talk.

On Friday night a band (A Dying Bread) that has two of my youth in it played at Hot Topic in the mall. They are a Christian metal band. They were amazing. The music had such a great message and they even took time to talk about how they are Christian. It amazed me how many of the people listening to the band were high. They were just totally stoned, yet the band still made an impact. The raised $115 for a local girl who was in a bad skiing accident over spring break. After the concert they asked me to join them at Chili's for dinner. I had already eaten, but I went and hung out with them.

Saturday was my reunion with my Emmaus walk. It was so good to see those women again. When I got home my parents were waiting for me. They flew in from NC for the weekend. We went to my favorite restaurant The Local for lunch. Then headed to the apartment for an hour or two before heading to our first Astros game. It was Methodist night and my Bishop was sitting three rows in front of me. I was so excited. She is an amazing women. The Astros won 7-0.

Today my parents and I had a late Easter dinner. We had a good time talking and just hanging out. I took them to the beach after lunch. Tonight they came with me to youth group and we had a question and answer night. It was so funny. The youth were asking nice questions and I was trying to get them to ask some interesting ones. However, I think we all had a good time.

Easter Weekend as a Youth Leader

On Thursday I joined a group called Events and Adventures. It is a Singles group that goes to sporting events, dinners, camping trips, vacations, and many other things together. This is going to be a huge outlet for me since none of the churches in my area have a singles group or younger aged adults. Friday was my first events. First was a meet and greet with other new members, then a bunch of us headed out for Bowl 300. It was so much fun and amazing. This place has huge screen TV's on which we watched sports and music videos. It is also totally non-smoking!!! I am so going to take my youth there. The picture above is of me the people I hung out with.

So now for the church related things. I am realizing how much I really am missing being in the type of ministry positions I was able to have at Candler. The time cannot go by quick enough for me until I am a licensed local pastor at least.

Thursday was wonderful. Our service was beautiful and exciting (for me). This was the first time since I have been serving as Youth Leader that I have been allowed to even serve communion. Communion has always been a special celebration for me. I enjoy being able to serve others in the way that Christ last served his disciples.

Good Friday was a working day for me for the first time. I was not expected to be at service, but I had to be in the office and answer the phones. Thus I went out with the Events and Adventures group.

Saturday was interesting as the youth sell Easter Lilies as a mission trip fund raiser. Only three out of about 50 youth that are signed up to go showed up. This really bothers me, but I have been told that is more youth than have shown up in the past few years. As we waited we made Luminaries to put out for Sunrise Service. We had a good time getting everything ready.

Easter started for me today at 1:45 AM as I got up and headed off to the church for the prayer vigil that lasted from Friday night -Easter Sunrise Service. I spent much of my hour in prayer and thinking about how beautiful life is. I wondered if the smell of the lilies was anywhere close to the smell of the incense that Mary took with her to the grave. When I got home this annoying dog barked until 5:00AM and then I had to be up and moving to get ready for Sunrise Service. I knew I had to show up early since there was reports of thunder storms and we needed to decide if we were having the service at the creek or in the sanctuary. It ended up being in the sanctuary :(. I volunteered a few weeks ago to sing a solo at the Sunrise Service for Pastor Bonnie. I sang In The Garden/None Like You. Everyone was in total shock when I was singing. It was commented that I have a voice like an angel. This cracked me up a bit since I have been at this church for over three months and no one has really heard me sing before. At the same time I was sad. A solo in one service was the only part I had in any Easter Service. I don't help plan worship, and I miss it so much. Thus the reason why I cannot wait to be a licensed local pastor.

Honeymoon is Over

So in life I find that many things have a honeymoon period. Jobs being one of them. Yes at first we may love them. everything is happy, simple, and you feel like this is the best thing in the world to ever happen to you. Up until this week I have felt this way about my job. Yes I have had some struggles with things so far, but they have passed. However, now I am so overwhelmed with a bad situation that I know the honeymoon is over. I know the problem is not my fault it was there before I came to the church. Everyone at some point in their youth goes through a rough patch of time and well teens can be horrible to each other. I knew that youth ministry was hard, but I love youth. I had been a youth minister for a year before and never encountered these problems. Yet here I am miles, hours, and flights away from any of my friends and family when I really just need to be around them. Yeah Yeah I know kind of depressing, but the past few days have just sucked the life out of me. I also know that God is going to get me and the youth through this. I know God sent me here for a reason and well maybe helping these youth and their parents get over themselves is it.

Emmaus, Youth Retreat, and Confirmation

I have been so very busy that I have not taken time to journal my thoughts here on my blog in a while.

Last weekend I went on my Walk to Emmaus. As I was going on the walk not only for myself, but also for the youth at my church (I have been asked to work a Chrysalus this summer) everything felt a bit strange. I am just hitting my three month mark here in Texas. Have been taking life at full stride and have been on a planing mission since I came to Lake Jackson. So taking a weekend off to myself felt strange. I know as a ministry I need to take time to make sure my walk with God is going well, but I just did not know if I really needed it. Luckily I had the best sponsor ever, Margaret. Margaret and Her husband Oren drove me two hours to the camp. We had a wonderful dinner at a Mexican restaurant and saw two rainbows. I could not have asked for a better arrival. Yet, I was still scared when I realized they were leaving me with a group of women I did not know.

The Pictures above are what I came home to after Emmaus. My apartment was decorated by my youth and the office was decorated as well. The office windows had shaving cream on them and writing about 4th day.

As the weekend went on I found that I was doing my walk more for me than the youth. I needed that time to take a look a who I am becoming. I realized things like I am worrying too much, planing too much, and not taking care of myself enough. Yes the planing part is a good thing, but I need to take my days off just for me. I also found that having a weekend free of planing was amazing. I could hardly remember what having a weekend free felt like. By the end of the weekend I was devoted to making sure I am taking care of my own spiritual life.

Ok so high lights of the Walk to Emmaus. Seeing two dolphins in the water outside the camp close up, the dinner with Jesus, the candle light, no cell phones, and lastly meeting another woman my age who live the next town over.

So now that I had a great weekend I had to recover from because I was so tired the Spring youth retreat (7th-9th grade) had to come. Yes two weekends in a row of retreats. I know I am nuts. We went to Camp Cho Yeh. It is this amazing Presbyterian Camp about two hours north of Lake Jackson. We did low ropes, high ropes, and paintball yesterday. Yes I played paintball and now have a sprained wrist to prove it. Hahaha. One of my youth shot my wrist right after I surrendered. I was really mad and yes it was the same wrist that I broke in October. We did so much team building and even the youth agreed that they are in a different place now. Last night we had a huge camp fire with smores and all. Sadly the weekend had to end early because the youth and I had to be back for confirmation.

The church I am working at has an amazing program called hidden angels. This person is a youth who sees the confirmand through confirmation and, thanks to me, through the first year of youth group. The youth started by buying small gifts and making crosses for the cross wall for the confirmation class. Today they stood up with the class and got to lay their hands of them when they were confirmed. This was awesome for them. It was a spiritual time.

OK now for my part in confirmation. I knew I had to fill in for any of the girl's whose mentors could not show up. However, they all did show. The confirmation class decided to ask the head pastor Wesley if I could be up at the kneeling station and lay hands on them all as they were confirmed. He agreed that this would be good. So I got to hand them inscribed rocks with the Methodist cross and flame and their name. I got to do this only after I laied hands on them and blessed them as they enter into the church. The act of blessing the confirmands was very spiritual for me. It reminded me of what all God has in store for me in the, hopefully near, future.

Finally I have accepted a position as district delegate to Annual Conference. My DS wants me to be known in the conference as I begin to work through the candidacy process again. I could not agree with him more. He has been such a help to me since moving into the Texas Conference.

Unsettled

For many reasons my mind is very unsettled tonight. I have been doing so much planing, working, and finding of things that right now things are just unsettled in my life. I feel more grounded and happier with my life than I have in a long time, but I have a longing a need for something/someone.

In my life I have had many good even great friends. However, lately I have been feeling the need compare every guy I meet to my best guy friend. I look at how they treat me, how they act, treat other, and well just their ambitions in life. In the end I am realizing that no one can measure up to this friend.

It also does not help I am realizing how much I love my friend. What is strange is that I am afraid to love him. Yes I know I am totally breaking the friend rule by letting myself fall in love with him. However, I think I have been in love with him for almost 3 years. Seeing as for the past 3 years I have been battling my self-image this is not a strange concept. I have always said he deserves the best, and well I am no perfect person. I have many faults and done many things in my life that I have been ashamed of. In some way I think I have decided that I am/was not good enough for him. My life has changed since I meet him. I am a better, healthier, more grounded person. Maybe I could be good enough now.

All this to say he and I are talked me and I am confused. Recently he started signing his letter Love. Instead of some other form of ending. I guess what I am asking myself is do I open up? Do I let myself begin to love again in a way that I have not loved in a long time? Is getting hurt worth the risk and worry I will go through?

This Ones for The Girls

I am so loving my youth girls. We have been having a blast doing a study called Be A Queen... Not a Princess... the crown is bigger! Over the past two weeks there have been a lot of times that opening up has happened. It seems that this small group process is making all of us see the best in each other. Although we are only 4 session in we have been doing the study for a month and a half, had to skip times for band concerts and Mardi Graz.

Last Friday night we got together and watched One Night with The King, talked about how awesome strong women are, and about guys. We had crazy amounts of sugar, pop, and laughs.

This week we talked about rule and laws that set boundaries for us. It was fun to hear about rules and laws the girls thought were good and bad. I have to say things are so different from even 10 years ago when I was 16. Ahhh!!

So I have only a few more weeks before the study is over. It makes me sad, but at the same time I am looking forward to keeping these relationship up and starting the study for the guys. I cannot wait to hear their thoughts and feelings about life as men of God.

No longer my problem

As a youth minister I have figured out that I get blamed for things I have no control over. Hahah. This Sunday was the beginning of a new time in my youth ministry. I have been waiting for two months for the Youth Program Committee to come together and this past Sunday was the retreat to kick things off. Yes on a Sunday. I have no clue what anyone was thinking when they planed it. However, I feel I have a great group of people working with me now. The best part is I no longer have two hour meetings every Monday night!! OK so more about the retreat. We went to this beautiful B&B on the river. It was so beautiful. I am thinking about renting it out for the girls retreat this summer. The back porch lover looks the river and there is a beautiful gazebo and swing. The day before there was a wedding so there were still flowers and petals everywhere. The youth and I had a blast on the swing. the food was amazing and everyone seemed to enjoy the day. By the end of the retreat everyone had decided that I was not to take blame for things going on. So it is no longer my problem! I cannot wait to see how long that will last.



So after the retreat was over we drove back home around 3 pm. I got home around 4pm and had to be at the church at 5pm. I know crazy but they did not want me to cancel Youth for the night. I felt so tired and was glad that one of the moms suggested it be a movie night, since four of the youth and I had been at the retreat all day.

Goodbye Lynn

Today My parents called from North Carolina to tell me Lynn was not doing well. She still was not acting like herself and they thought she was suffering. I am writing this post as a way to say goodbye.

My Sweet Lynn,

I cannot say how sorry I am I was not able to be with you today. To hold you and make sure you made it safely to the rainbow bridge. I cannot stop thinking about the day I saw you at the Pet Smart in Atlanta and heard your story. How all at once I knew that you belonged with me and how your foster mom knew it as well. The two years since that day have been nothing by happy when you were by my side. The way we found an understanding of one another was wonderful. I got to watch you turn from a skinny sick dog into a beautiful healthy one. The love and trust we had for each other grew each and everyday. I know you had a hard life, but I am glad that I was able to give you two good and wonderful loving years. The smile that was captured in this photo of you, only shows how truly happy your life was once we were together. My little dog, My girl, I am going to miss you and I will always love you. I know someday we will see each other again as I walk across that rainbow bridge and you come running through the fields to jump into my arms. I love you so much Lynn.

Retreat, Lynn, and Life

I don't think this weekend could have been any nicer and yet it was very sad for me. I finally got to really do something spiritually for myself. I decided to go on the UMW retreat this past weekend and did not have to work at it. I loved just being with the other women singing, praying, talking, and playing games. The speaker was not very good, but everything else was wonderful. I had a roommate that liked to talk a lot (she keep me up till 3 am the first night). The last morning of the retreat my friend and co-worker Rhonda looked at me and said she did not think she had seen me look like this since I moved to Lake Jackson. I was completely relaxed and comfortable. I have not had a lot of chances to really breath since moving and well it felt good to know everything was in God's hands this weekend.

However, the weekend was also hard for me. Two years ago I decided to adopt a dog from a rescue group to be a friend for my dog Morgen. Lynn has been a light in my life ever since I laid my eyes on that sweet mutt dog. She was a dog that was brought from NOLA after Katrina. They had gotten her a home fast and had not realized she never got spade. Ha ha she came back with 8 puppies a year later. I adopted her before she could get put to sleep. We had almost two beautiful years together before I had to move to Texas, and she could not come because they thought she had cancer. On Thursday Lynn got sick. Really sick. They did some tests and one of her kidneys has failed and the other is failing. She also has multiple tumors (they think they are cancer). As the weekend went on she got sicker, and they don't think she has much longer. I feel like I have abandoned my child in her time of need.

Other than these things life is going well. I am working hard, and trying my best. I finally found a place for a Spring Camp for the Youth. I also am working on finding more time in my day for me. As for lent, I have given up fast food and having soda in my house. I cannot wait to see how this lent thing turns out this year.

Clean Hands

For the first Ash Wednesday in the three years I have clean hands, with no ash stains. This has made me very sad. I enjoy the special days of the liturgical year and getting to celebrate them as a minister. Yes I am still a minister this year, but it is no longer part of my job to be a part of these wonderful celebrations of the Christian faith. I get to sit in the pew and be a part of the congregation. Some people might see this as a relief, but I find it makes me sad. I want to serve communion, smudge ashes on peoples heads, baptise children, bless the sick and people going on missions, and celebrate the many other Christian year moments.

Just Kidding

So dating is not going to happen for me. I thought I was ready, but realized on my date Saturday that until I stop comparing guys with one of my best friends (John) that I am not going to be ready. Yeah this is a strange realization, but when you have one of the best guys ever as a good friend it is hard to settle for less. I know that things with John and I at one point could have worked out, but now we are living over 20 hours drive from one another and will probably only get to see each other if we are lucky one time a year. Maybe someday we will end up being closer again, but for now I am just going to continue enjoying being single,

I'm dating

So I have been very busy for the past 3 1/2 years and have really not had time to have a romantic life. I decided that now that I am out of school I should try dating again. Well that is a little hard when you are one of the only unmarried young people in your congregation over the age of 20. Well I decided to try Match.com and have been talking to a guy for a week now. Tonight he asked me if I would like to go out! I said yes and tomorrow night I am going to give him and call and we are planing our first date.

I am walking!

For a little over a year I have known that I was going to need an extra semester to graduate. I did graduate and well the decision of walking became a huge topic for me. I have friends who want me to walk and threatened me if I don't. My parents think I should walk because they have been waiting so long for this day. My grandmother and great uncle feel that I am fulfilling their mothers dream of having a minister in the family and want me to walk because they are afraid they will not be alive for my ordination.



Walking at graduation for me has been dependant on if I can take the time off work and if I can afford to go. As of last night I found a great deal on flights $64 one way to Atlanta from Houston. I have asked and been given a week off to go to my graduation and spend time with my family. I bought my tickets, a few graduation announcements for my family to send out, and am working on finding someone who will let me use their Candler Masters hood. I cannot afford one and the registrar at Candler said because I am not attending school right now I probably will not be able to use one of the schools. So needless to say I AM WALKING!!!

Meeting of Minds

This week has been so full for me. I feel like things are falling into place a little more and that I am really making a difference here. Wednesday night I had the best Jr High Bible Study yet. We talked about the Holy Spirit and Jesus. Mainly the differences and how without the Holy Spirit we would be missing out. I got to talk to one of the youth guys that night about how to pray to God and have a meaningful relationship. I felt so empowered.


Yesterday I had a meeting of TYME (Texas Youth Ministers Enrichment). We went to Bo's Place in Houston. It made me so sad. Bo's Place is a house where people with children can go if they lost a child or parent. They have these little dogs named Razen that they give to the kids when they come to the house for the first time. It reminded me of my cousin Jimmy, and how he is still struggling with his sister Allison's death three years ago. I bought him a Razen and am sending it to him next week. At the meeting I meet some other youth ministers that I really got a long with. One of them was really nice and around my age. We talked about different things going on with our youth ministries. It felt so nice to get to talk with someone else who understands what I am going through.

Flawed

Since starting out in full time ministry I am realizing that my flaws are starting to bother me more.


First off, I am a total people pleaser. So much so that I have needed to get a new cell phone plan since moving to Texas because there are NO Alltels for over 100 miles. I knew my mom would be ticked off, so I put off doing it until the youth ran up a $50 bill worth of texts. I now have a texting plan that costs less every month. Along with that I am having a hard time writing and delivering my sermons because everyone kind of expects me to be perfect. They waited for a youth minister for 9 months, so a lot of the parents and youth think I must be really awesome. Hahaha


Secondly, I am becoming a total home body. I have only meet a few young people and they are all married. Also there are no young adult groups at any of the local churches. Soooo, I am hanging out at my place with Rocky a lot. If I am not doing that then I am hanging out with my youth or co-workers (who are all like 20-30 years older than me).


I do have to say that one of my flaws is not so big now as it used to be thought. I have much more self-esteem. People down here don't look at me funny because I am a bigger person. This has caused me to actually loose weight!! I cannot believe that it has affected my eating habits so much.

Well I have seen these flaws coming out in me I am realizing something big. It is ok to be Flawed!

Girls and hard times

So the past two weeks have been filled with some fun and sad times for me. I have been really excited to get to know my youth better. I started taking them out in small groups for things like diner and a movie. My first one was last Friday night. I invited the Christian Education persons daughter and told her to invite friends. She invited the whole Jr. High group. I meant this to be a small group activity so I can get to know then better. Luckily only 4 girls were able to come on short notice. We had a great time eating Chinese and seeing Hotel for Dogs (their choice not mine). However, I would have probably picked the same movie. I feel really good about how everything went and I am looking forward to my next Friday night group outing.


This week however, was not a happy for me. I had to go through my first break up of two youth. They had been together for around a year and well things just were not going well. I felt so bad for the girl. She is sweet and sensitive. As I stood in the bathroom at Wednesday night Bible study with her I remembered what it felt like to be her age and have my first break up. Next came the news that Lynn almost died. Her cancer is getting worse and she got really sick this past week. I know my parents are taking care of her, but I miss my little mutt dog. Things are looking up though. Rocky is very healthy according to all his blood work that came in. Also I got an awesome new chair for my office. Again let me say I love the perks of being a minister (it was free from a member of the church who is remodeling).


Also I have finally started reading my devotional for this year. It is wonderful. The book is called Courageous Spirit and is written by all ordained Methodist Women. I have also been getting ready to do a new book/Bible study with the youth girls. Be a Queen...Not a Princess... the crown in BIGGER. It was written by Methodist women and they have even offered to come out to the church since they live in western Lousianna. I hope we can afford to bring them out and have a girl's weekend.

My Pounding

Sunday was very interesting for me. I had my first pounding. In case you do not know the term pounding it is when everyone brought people a pound of something for their new house. Luckily the pounding has changed a little since it started. I did not get a pound of anything, well other than dish detergent and that was included in one the the baskets. Being a person from the North I found the pounding quite interesting. I do have to admit at first when they told me I was having a pounding I was a little afraid until it was explained to me. In the north we had house warming and people would bring something for the house, or food that could be frozen and reheated so that the new family in town could take some time off from cooking and get things arraigned. I think that the two types of welcoming to a new town are great ideas and should be done more often. The picture above is the loot I made out with from my pounding. There was a lot of food, cleaning stuff, and cooking things. However, I also made out with about $150 in gift cards to various places like target, walmart, kroger, and H.E.B.. Along with all this the youth also made food and punch for the reception at church. It is so nice to be in a place where people take the time to make you feel welcome.