Unsettled

For many reasons my mind is very unsettled tonight. I have been doing so much planing, working, and finding of things that right now things are just unsettled in my life. I feel more grounded and happier with my life than I have in a long time, but I have a longing a need for something/someone.

In my life I have had many good even great friends. However, lately I have been feeling the need compare every guy I meet to my best guy friend. I look at how they treat me, how they act, treat other, and well just their ambitions in life. In the end I am realizing that no one can measure up to this friend.

It also does not help I am realizing how much I love my friend. What is strange is that I am afraid to love him. Yes I know I am totally breaking the friend rule by letting myself fall in love with him. However, I think I have been in love with him for almost 3 years. Seeing as for the past 3 years I have been battling my self-image this is not a strange concept. I have always said he deserves the best, and well I am no perfect person. I have many faults and done many things in my life that I have been ashamed of. In some way I think I have decided that I am/was not good enough for him. My life has changed since I meet him. I am a better, healthier, more grounded person. Maybe I could be good enough now.

All this to say he and I are talked me and I am confused. Recently he started signing his letter Love. Instead of some other form of ending. I guess what I am asking myself is do I open up? Do I let myself begin to love again in a way that I have not loved in a long time? Is getting hurt worth the risk and worry I will go through?